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The Books of Arland Hellisunk
In late 1996, a participant in the Harlan Ellison newsgroup, alt.fan.harlan-ellison, inquired about the Ellison stories "How's the Nightlife on Cissalda?" and "Jeffty is Five" -- but managed to mangle the titles into "So How's the Nightlife on Griselda" and "Mikey is Five, Mikey is Always Five." That prompted the following suggestions from various newsgroup participants for stories The Man might have written -- but didn't:
- "Mikey Eats Life, Mikey Always Eats Life"
- "Ernesto Sabata and the Pinball Machine"
- "Try a Butter Knife"
- "Neither Your Jelly Nor Mine"
- "The Deaf Bird"
- "The Whisper of Whipped Cream"
- " 'Repent, Harlan' " Said the Kit-Kat Man
- "A Goy and His God"
- "The Man Who Rode Columbus's Whore"
- "The Login Session Has Been Left Online Too Long, and the Connection has Gone Flat"
- "All the Bries that I Ate in Life"
- "Splatterpaint"
- "I Have No Mouth and I Don't Feel So Hot"
- "I Have No Couth, and I Must Scream"
- "I Have No Nerves and I Must Twitch"
- "I Have No Nose and I Must Sneeze"
- "The Other Glass Feet"
Left unmentioned was the ground-breaking anthology, Gangrenous Incisions, and its sequel, Again, Gangrenous Incisions (the final volume in the trilogy, The Last Gangrenous Incisions, will be published any day now).
Heather M. Jones subsequently offered these Hellisunk gems:
- "Peter Chris" -- the story of a nice drummer from a 70s glam rock band and an invisible junkie named Bob riding him straight to hell
- "No Whores, No Bimbos" -- Sixteen stories about the supernatural side of life in Utah and other imaginary places.
- "Bug-Bombs and Other Pollutions" -- Eight stories of pain and awe in the insect world, where humans are fading Gods and pesticide is a hotly debated legal issue.
David Loftus uncovered yet a few more of our friend Arland's classics:
- "I Have No Mouth, Yet Eat Ice Cream"
- "I Am the Sleaze"
- "O Thee of Little Face"
- "The Man Who Sold Christopher Columbus A Whore"
- and his cowboy novelette: "Bud's a Roper"
Pat Healy notes:
I understand that the elusive Mr. (?) Hellisunk has recently worked as creative consultant to a public affairs television show, "Babble On 5".
Also, don't forget my favorite story, "I Have No Mouth, And Miss Ice Cream."
And then there is this strange tale from Andrew S. Fuller:
Fleeing down an alley, chased by a minotaur (or a hydra--don't know, was dark) I stumbled into a shop. It was a curious little shop, with all manner of objects set next to each other on the different level shelves. Each object was evenly spaced, but had no relation to the object around it. The totally organized chaos struck me immediately. I didn't want to meet the shopkeeper.
Because of the thunderous pounding on the door, I only had time to glance at a few book titles, as I scurried around the room, desperate for a hiding place. The only books in the shop were those of the mad arab, Abdul Al--er, Arland Helisunk. I had not seen the titles before...
- "The Geese That Touted Gloves at the Fart of a Girl"
- "One Fife, Tarnished With Surly Pottery"
- "Lady Shatterday's Glass Goblin Lover"
- "O Pee of Little Grapes"
- "I Have No Couch, And I Must Preen"
- "A Toy and A Log"
- "Spraingod and other stories"
- "The Man Who Was Definitely In Berlin"
- "My Sister Is Chronic"
- "All the Flies That Ate My Wife"
- "The Man Who Chewed Christopher Columbus An Oar"
- "My Left Glass Feet"
I escaped the shop through a freak time pill (like those little pills that gather on your socks?) just as the monster burst through the door, sending splinters.
I realized why I hadn't seen the shopkeeper--he was out to lunch.
And lunch was me!
(But who eats three meals a day anyway, really?)
Further, jblukin@acsu.buffalo.edu lists his favorites as:
- "Love Ain't Nothin' But Secks"
- "I Have No Nose, and Yet I Smell"
Shane S. Shellenbarger seems to have come across the now-rare Mediocre Paperback Book Club omnibus edition, Arland Hellisunk: A Life in Shorts and Longs, including:
- Kitties on the End of the Futon
- Pal, Lennon, of the Last Cower
- Desmond Drifts in the Grass Sand
- Tucson with Big Sashes
- A Bone Arrests My Sorrow
- Scattered Lay
- Monti Cristo in Oil of Olay
Longtime Islets friend Barney Dannelke writes:
Recently discovered on a pallet of Atlantic Books remainders grouped with Hemingway's lost novel "The Sun Also Rises, Yet Again":
- "City on the Edge of Milwaukee" [fouth season - unproduced]
- "Partners? I Wonder..." [edited by Ellison and Ed Bryant]
- "Mex Gang" [a little known collection of stories concerning border deportation and prison violence under the pseudonym Paulo Machete]
- "Platterday" [A cookbook featuring the recipe for roast stuffed Platt among others]
- "Run For the Cars" [futuristic horror novel set in a mall - by Cordwainer Bird and Richard Bachman]
- "Petulant Bon-bons" and "Cranky Gobstoppers" - Volumes 2 and 3 in the "Sweet Tooth" trilogy
- "Riddles Without Answers" [chapbook / companion volume]
- "My Fist In Your Larinyx" [a volume of letters in which the author responds to his critics]
- "Strange Whine" [volume 2. more of the same - 923 pages.]
- "Groomsman" [reminiscences of Arland's previous 11 wives - ask for an autographed copy at your peril.]
Doug Lane spotted these at Owen McOwen's Travelling Riverside Book Carnival and Calliope:
- "Hellisunk Wunderkind" (a collection of truly prodigious fiction)
- "Arland Hellisunk's Kvetching" (the title says it all)
In October 1999, a seemingly innocent question posted to alt.fan.harlan-ellison ("What was the name of the episode Ellison wrote for the Star Trek series?") revealed yet more, previously unknown Hellisunk titles:
- "Spock Has No Brain and He Must Scream" (from Jim Reaper)
- "Vulcan with a Glass Hand" (from Andrew Wilson)
- "When Spockie was Five"
- "The Deathbird of the Galaxy"
- "Demon with the Glass Teat"
- "Repent Klingon, Said the Tick-tock Man"
- "The Great Cordwainer Bird of the Galaxy"
- "Angry Candy-assed actor who hasn't had a decent role since T.J.Hooker" (all from Michael Pinnick)
An individual identifying herself as Cordwainer Deathbird writes:
These were found in the back racks of my local bookstore; said back racks contain works by similar authors such as David Brine, Roquefort Silverfish, Pool Amsterdam (Morey's long-lost brother), and Grigori Bent-Ford -- but I'll save those for another time. Meanwhile, enjoy -- and get your hands on these books if you can, because once you pick them up ... you can't open them.
COLLECTIONS/TELEPLAYS:
- Love Ain't Nothing But Sex, Gang (And It Sells!)
- Demon With A Brass Monkey's Nuts
- Brain, Bod, And Other Illusions (I think this is an exercise guide of some sort...)
- I Have No Broth And I Must Steam
- Gentleman Monkey And Other Boring Strung-Out Illustrations
- The Priest That Mounted Doves With A Start And A Whirl
- The City On The Edge Of Whatever (an unproduced teleplay)
- Memos From Albequerque
- No Doors, No Windows, One Bedroom, 1\2 Bath, $595/Mo. + Security
- Starlost and Life Hutch (an unproduced teleplay)
- Night And The Enema (AKA The Glass Fleet)
SHORT FICTION:
- A Sheep: Still With Hands
- The Whimper Of Striped Frogs
- Paladin Of The Lost Socks
- S.B.O. (AKA Memory Of A Stupid Armpit)
- Alive And Well With A Senseless Voyeur
- Try My Dull Wife (Please!)
- The Man Who Was Heavily Into The Avengers
- Pretty Baggy Runny Eyes
- The Man Who Showed Christopher Columbus His Drawers
Hellisunk sitings, although rarer in recent years, still come along occasionally, as James Pauley reported in December 2002:
Susan Ellison will kill me for this one:
"All The Thighs That Are My Wife"
Additional entries into the bibliography of Arland Hellisunk hinge upon the chance discovery, at used-book stores, flea markets and garage sales, of his rare and mostly forgotten works. Submit nominations to the e-mail address below.
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